Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He called his prostate his "boner button".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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