If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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