I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
