The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
from now on my penis is your penis
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
