I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
