I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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