There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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