Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live