i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She made me pour olive oil on her.