How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
