No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
