You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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