you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
