If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
