The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
