What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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