i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
