Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
