Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
