It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
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Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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