I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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