i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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