Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
