omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
