About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
