I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
