I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
