i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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