the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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