Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
