my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
