Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i will never coherently bang her
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
