Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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