There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
