please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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