my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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