apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?