He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.