i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure