So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.