I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
