Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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