..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Semen is not good for contacts.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
