I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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