well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
