I didn't shave. On purpose
wakey wakey hands off snakey
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
