Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
