from now on my penis is your penis
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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