Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
