Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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