i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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