if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
