When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
