need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
