I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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