Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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