Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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