she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
