she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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