I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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