I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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