i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
